The other day at work, I was quite frazzled due to a slight imperfection in a certain spreadsheet, and I laughingly told my co-worker "I have to fix this or it's going to drive me nuts. It's my Type A tendencies." And they shook their head and replied "Bless your heart."
At that moment, I realized that I have never looked up the true definition of "Type A", and that maybe I am not Type A at all. Surely, I am not defined in a category that warrants a "Bless your heart."
The American Heritage Dictionary defines Type A:
Of or relating to a behavior pattern marked by tenseness, impatience, and aggressiveness, often resulting in stress-related symptoms such as insomnia and indigestion and possibly increasing the risk of heart disease.
Well, now it’s officially confirmed. I’m Type A.
I will admit it. I am a total control freak. I can be over-assertive. I fuss over the simplest of tasks and turn them into monumental "perfectionistic" undertakings. I am a take-charge kind of lady. I get way too involved in things due to the fact that my inner me cannot stand the thought of something going wrong or being incorrect if I am not there to fix it (Aside: Group projects were not my forte’ in school, as I wouldn’t let anyone else in the group do anything- My group members were my hostages. Yes, I was that girl you either a) hoped was in your group because you were slack, or b) prayed to the heavens above wasn’t in your group because you are Type A as well, and I would make your life a living hell). I like to have a road-map, and I’ll be damned if I don’t follow it to the diminutive details. For a moment, imagine wedding planning with me... It makes me cringe, too.
I have this mental vision of me charging up a snow-covered mountain with nothing but a flashlight and a hunting cap, ready to conquer everything on the rugged path to the top.
Most of all (if you can even fathom that it gets worse), I am impatient. This is something that I have struggled with my entire life. I am impatient about the simplest of things (waiting on a return phone call or email) to more important life events (just ask David how much I bugged him about proposing to me). I handle everything with a sense of urgency, so I have a hard time understanding or being empathetic when other people don’t, or when life is not producing for me what I want or need right now.
How selfish and narrow-minded of me to expect others to work on a time frame that I find appropriate? How naive of me to think that God is going to give me what I think I need, as soon as I ask for it? Who do I think I am?? I am not God. I am not a puppeteer. I don't have control over others. The only person I have control over is myself.
Time and time again, I tell myself to take a deep breath, let go, and allow things to happen in natural progression. I don't need it all right here, right now, packed neatly in a big box with a pretty bow. If I had everything I could ever want at this very moment, what do I have to look forward to?
Patience is easier to exude when things are going my way. The true test of patience is when things go wrong. From feeling my chest tighten when the end of the business day is drawing near and I still haven't heard back on an important work issue, to the uncertainty surrounding life-long careers and planning a family. Uncertainty is life. I just need to learn to be content to let life unfold on its own.
It's been a daily struggle to realize that patience is not being passive and a flimsy pushover. It's having the confidence that God will give me what I need and provide for me when the timing is right. He has a plan for me and just because I am not privvy to the playbook, it doesn't mean that I can't play in the game. I need to enjoy the surprises (both good and bad) each day and take them all in stride without being easily agitated or worrying about what's next. Obviously, that's easier said than done, but isn't that how life is intended to be lived? Being wholly in the moment? Living today as if it's your last?
I am reminded of something a wise scholar, Ferris Bueller, once said...
"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."
Patience is easier to exude when things are going my way. The true test of patience is when things go wrong. From feeling my chest tighten when the end of the business day is drawing near and I still haven't heard back on an important work issue, to the uncertainty surrounding life-long careers and planning a family. Uncertainty is life. I just need to learn to be content to let life unfold on its own.
It's been a daily struggle to realize that patience is not being passive and a flimsy pushover. It's having the confidence that God will give me what I need and provide for me when the timing is right. He has a plan for me and just because I am not privvy to the playbook, it doesn't mean that I can't play in the game. I need to enjoy the surprises (both good and bad) each day and take them all in stride without being easily agitated or worrying about what's next. Obviously, that's easier said than done, but isn't that how life is intended to be lived? Being wholly in the moment? Living today as if it's your last?
I am reminded of something a wise scholar, Ferris Bueller, once said...
"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."
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