2) Also, I am not sure why they call it the "24-hour" stomach bug because I am pretty sure mine lasted a full 96-hours.
3) Pre-marriage stomach bug: People ask you if you are hungover or assume you ate week-old Chinese food found in the dark, moldy back corner of your fridge.
4) Post-marriage stomach bug: People start raising their eyebrows and toss out the phrases "morning sickness" and "first trimester." And when you tell them, "Nope. Sorry, no surprise babies in this oven," they raise their eyebrows even higher and think you are lying. And then they start to get excited and ask you if you will find out what your having or keep it a surprise, and they start mapping out due dates, and telling you that late summer is the perfect time to have a baby, and that they will love it like their own, and that it will have his eyes and your nose. And then you start to think you are lying to yourself and that you really are with child. And the panic sets in and you are sprawled on the couch fighting the urge to vomit, desperately googling the symptoms of pregnancy because you are now sure that the reason your appetite is gone is because the baby just isn't hungry.
5) This unnecessary hysteria is what drove me to visit the Doctor's Express at 3 pm on Saturday afternoon, after laying like a groaning, dead fish on our couch since Thursday. Well, that, and the hope that I could score some potent nausea meds that would knock me out until next Tuesday. The doc-in-the-box confirmed what I knew all along. To my relief- no baby. Now is just NOT the time. I am a "planner", and don't want a kid crashing my party before it starts. He/She needs to wait for their invitation to come in the mail, then répondez, s'il vous plaît, thankyouverymuch.
6) After leaving the doctor, I had to drop off my prescription and wait, so I headed to the grocery store to pick up a few sick-person staples. Tropical Punch Jello. Powdered Mashed Potatoes. Arctic Freeze and Grape Gatorade. And I also picked up some Febreze because my camel peacoat smelled like fire after standing by a chimney at a Christmas party earlier in the week. I was looking my finest, complete with greasy hair, no make-up, and an old t-shirt that has make-up stains around the collar from where my make-up has dripped off my face when I am working out (in my defense, it is o-so-comfy). If it can only get worse. O it does. Here is my conversation in the check-out line...
Cassandra the Check Out Lady: (eyeing my purchases, suspiciously. Or am I just paranoid?)
Greasy Lady: (making simple conversation) Yep, we've got the stomach bug at our house.
Cassandra the Check Out Lady: O, sick kids?
Greasy Lady: O, no, I don't have any children. (I am pretty sure I stood up very proudly as I said this, as I was still riding high from my negative at the doctor)
Cassandra the Check Out Lady: Husband?
Greasy Lady: Um, no, actually me.
As I say this, she is ringing up the Febreze, and I feel like she pauses ever so slightly before passing the Febreze to the bagboy. She looked up at me and said "O, wow. That will be $10.43". I feel my face turning beet red and I am 98% sure I am going to throw up at the front of the grocery store. I can only wonder what she is thinking needs a good dousing of Febreze at our house. I grabbed my bag with one hand and my stomach with the other and scampered out of there before I can watch her click off her Lane Light to take the time to disinfect her entire station. When I got out to the car, I remembered the one thing that I forgot in the store. Draino. For our bathroom sink that keeps stopping up. Then I thanked God for the small things in life because I cannot even imagine what mental image I would have left Cassandra with had she known that the greasy lady with the stomach bug included both Febreze and Draino in her "sick" purchases.
Anyhow, like most uncomfortable experiences, my humiliation and my stomach bug have now moved on along and I have rejoined the land of the living. And I am also grateful that I looked so terrible when I went to the store, so hopefully, Cassandra won't recognize me next time. However, don't even think for a second that I won't look twice before I squeal my cart into a check-out lane to make good and sure Cassandra isn't back there to check out (pun intended) my purchases.
My final note on the stomach bug is that once you're feeling human again, and you can actually fathom the thought of putting solid food in your mouth, nothing beats a feast of Campbell's Chicken Noodle Soup (with the nasty bits of chicken picked out) and an old school Grilled Cheese (with Kraft singles, of course).
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